To Brine or Stuff, That Is The Question?

There are two culinary subjects at Thanksgiving that can make my blood boil, and get me down right pissed off. What or Who am I pissed off at this week, you might ask? I'm pissed off at these people who are called celebrity chefs and the two subjects, brining and stuffing, are the topic of my blog this week.

Everyone does a recipe on how to cook a turkey or make a gravy that is not lumpy. I want to get down and dirty this year.

It seems that brining is all the rage these days. When it comes to celebrity chefs, you name them, and they're brining chickens, turkeys, game birds, and apparently anything with feathers. How the hell did we ever get a tender holiday bird before salt and water were discovered?  How did we ever survive without cell phones? I know that things come and go, styles change, and yes, tastes change,  but the basic fundamentals of cooking, which is a science, does not change. Let's start with brining which in my book is bullshit, plain and simple.

Let's go through the process of what happens to a turkey when it's time down on the killing floor has come. It's head is chopped off, the bird is hung up to bleed, it's eviscerated, the plumage is plucked, and then it is both washed, and fast frozen in order to kill harmful pathogens. The liver, neck and gizzards are packaged, and the bird is ready for market. The physical components of a turkey are not that much different that ours. In other words, we are 70% water, and so is a bloody turkey. Why the hell does it need more water and salt? The "scientific argument" for this that brining helps break down the proteins in the turkey, thus making it moister.

Once I get our bird and take it out of it's packaging, I the remove the neck and gizzards for later use. I wash it with cold running water in the sink before I prepare it for cooking. Then I pat it dry with paper towels. Once this is done I add olive oil, salt, pepper, herbs, and spices, and stuff it. Now it's ready for the oven. It got a bath at the processing plant and one at my house, plus I added salt with the herbs and spices.

I know I always evoke the memory of my dearly departed mother Mary, but for me that's where my culinary journey began. We always ate capons for Thanksgiving, not turkeys. A capon is a desexed rooster. Cutting off a rooster's balls helps him to grow much larger than he would normally, around 11 or 12 pounds, and that is a big ass rooster. But I digress. The point I am trying to make is good old Mother Mary didn't brine any birds, and we never had a tough piece of meat at our house. We reconstitute, but we don't brine.

Since we live close to the ocean I could just throw the bird in the drink for a half hour, then fish it out and cook it.

I have a ton of cook books here at home.  Books from the Culinary Institute of American to Julia Child, and not a one of them has anything written about brining the sacred holiday bird. We never used the method of brining in culinary school, not once in two years. Cook it to an internal temperature of 155 degrees, keep it covered while it's being cooked, baste it every 20 minutes, uncover it 30 minutes before it's done so the skin can brown, let it rest for another 30 minutes before you carve it, and it will come out moist and tender every time without fail.

Brining is a waste of fucking time. You got more time on your hands then by all means do what the celeb chefs tell you, brine. Personally I'm running out of time. Now note that in the previous paragraph I mentioned basting. I baste, and I baste, and I baste some more. Basting and keeping my bird covered till the right moment when I want to brown the skin is why they never come out tough.

I think you now understand my position on brining. Now, let's deal with stuffing. These same people, the "celebrity chefs", are all against stuffing the bird. There's a cavity there folks, a hole, a chasm, a void, a cavern, and it's begging to be filled with something. I mean give me a friggin' break. Once again it's back to the basics. It makes me wonder why these celebrities have become so damn revered?

For God's sake, you're cooking this creature at 350 degrees. Americans are afraid: afraid of Muslims, of the government taking away their guns, loosing their jobs, afraid that gay people might turn their delicate little Christian genius children into homosexuals, afraid of losing their homes, of dying, germs, the school system, second hand smoke, paying taxes, black people, and immigrants to name just a few. People who live in San Francisco are afraid of Oakland because San Francisco, the Paris of the West is perfect, has no crime, and is a brilliant diamond shinning brightly in the California sun, and Oakland is, let's face it, a huge lump of black anthracite coal inhabited mostly by drug dealers and killers.

America is a culture based on fear, fueled by the media, and salmonella seems to be the one that really gets these TV celebrity chefs terrified right around Thanksgiving. If a 350 degrees oven won't kill salmonella, then we are in trouble. I'm 60 years old, so I've eaten at least 60 stuffed turkeys, and I have never, never, had a food borne illness eating stuffing from a bird.

Just think of all the wonderful options we have for that beautiful big dark hole. The combinations for various stuffing's are unlimited. We start with bread; sour dough, corn, spelt, wheat, or white. Then we can add onions, wild rice, celery, nuts, chestnuts, olives, cherries, raisins, oysters, pocket watches, spices, herbs, toy cars, diamond rings, pearls, hell, anything goes. I add a little chicken stock to my stuffing before I put it in the bird, but if you like yours dry don't add it. Got for it. Face your fears. The natural juices of the bird will impart flavor you just cannot get from cooking your stuffing out of the bird.

The point I'm laboring to make is #1- you won't get salmonella and #2-stuffing is always better in the bird, always.

In conclusion; Brining The Bird NO, Stuffing The Bird Yes, and for those who disagree here's a bird you can stuff, and I think you know where you can stuff it.

Photo By Jerry Wyman 

Please enjoy your Thanksgiving holiday, and please help those who are not as fortunate as the rest of us. The giving part of Thanksgiving is the best part.



Peace.....Make Food/Not War